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| best friends are the best, but they can also be the worst |
| 06.30.04 (8:36 pm) [edit] |
Monica just left. :( She leaves tonight for a week. I had a really good time with her tonight though. She came over and we just sat and talked. She brought me icecream because she could tell something was wrong with me. She knows me all too well. :) But yeah, we haven't sat and talked for that long in a really long time. It was good to get some stuff off my chest. I've been so upset and it was really good to tell someone about it. And it was GREAT to have her advice. I miss her giving me advice. It's been so long...we're both so busy. I miss hanging out with my best friend. I love you, Moni.
While talking to her, I realized that I let people take advantage of me way too much. One person in particular I have let walk all over me for years, and even though we have our fall outs quite often, I always return to them and just brush off what has happened. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not going to let him just walk all over me and take advantage of the friendship that we have. I'm not going to keep coming back every time he does something horrible. I won't do that for the rest of my life. After highschool, I'm not going ot deal with people's shit anymore. It's NOT going to happen. I realized that after highschool, I'm basically just going to have my family, Monica, and Andrew. Those are the only people that i KNOW are going to stick by me no matter what. It hurts to think about that, but it's the truth.
There are quite a few people, one in particular, that I just can't put up with for much longer. It kills me because I love him, but I just can't let him walk all over me and take my love for granted anymore. I deserve better than that, don't I? Don't I deserve to have friends that love me and treat me like they do?
my thoughts are all jumbled...i can't write about this. there's so much going on that i can't even sort through it to type it. i hate him so much right now. but he doesn't even know. he doesn't care. he never will.
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| again with the beauty |
| 06.30.04 (9:02 am) [edit] |
[i]this[/i], my friends, is beauty
johnny rzeznik=muh!
andrew from something corporate=double muh
and then there are pirates...
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| here i am again |
| 06.30.04 (8:47 am) [edit] |
I'm at work...i love this job. All I've done today is listen to music and mess with my blog. I love it :)
I'm in a really good mood today. The rain made me very happy. I love that it's dark outside. And I love that there are little tiny drops of water falling from the sky. There's something magical about something so simple. I find happiness in the strangest little things. It's a good way to be, I think :) I don't find happiness in lots of things, but I can grasp onto the tiniest little thing and feel the beauty of it. I love being a strange, messed up kid.
I'm craving Freebirds. I've been craving lots of stuff lately. Right now, I want freebirds.
I get to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond today :) I have to buy some stuff for my mommy...i love that store. I use any excuse to go in and just look around. I love imagining that stuff in my house and mixing it all together. It makes me happy. I'm destined to be an interior designer. :)
The realtor is showing the house today. Apparently there are already three people interested in it. That's good, I guess. It means that we're gonna be out of there sooner than I thought, but it's okay. I've started to get a little excited about the whole thing.
Have you kids heard of Joss Stone? She's freakin awesome. I'm watching one of her videos right now. I love her voice...I want it. It'll be like the little mermaid. I'll keep her voice in a little shell around my neck and use it as my own! Oh wow...I think it's time to stop. I'm getting concerned with what I'm thinking. hehe
Bye kids...much love! :)
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| beauty |
| 06.29.04 (9:01 pm) [edit] |
"They say your entire life flashes in front of your eyes when you die. It's not really your entire life. It's just the moments that stood out. And they're not the one's you'd expect either. The moments you remember are tiny ones, some you haven't thought of in years....if you've thought of them at all. But in the last second of your life, you remember them with astonishing clarity...because they're just so...beautiful...that they must have been imprinted, on like a cellular level. For me it was lying on my back at boy scout camp, watching falling stars, and yellow leaves from the ginkgo trees that lined our street. Or [b]my grandmothers hands[/b] and the way her skin seemed like paper, and the first time i saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird, and the way i felt when angela first smiled at me. Carolyn...and Janie. And Carolyn's roses. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me...but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And when I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through my like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry...you will someday."
--Lester, American Beauty
Caitlin and I watched American Beauty. It's quite fitting, isn't it? I mean with the last post about beauty, and all the crap that's been going on lately. It seems to fit. At the end, when Angela asked Lester how he was and he said "It's been a long time since anyone asked me that...I'm great." and then she left and he said it again. "I'm great." I thought to myself, [i]I understand what he means. I know what it's like to finally realize that I'm okay and be so incredibly happy about it.[/i] And when he talked about the moments of his life that flashed before his eyes...of course I thought of Momo. I wondered what she saw before she died. It's confusing because she was on life support for a few hours...does that mean that she died when we took her off of it or was she dead before that? Did her life flash before her eyes hours before we all got to say goodbye? I wonder if she saw me right before she died. I wonder if any of our road trips flashed before her eyes, or any of our many memories together. I wonder...
I wonder what she thinks when she looks down and sees me thinking these things. I wonder if she's smiling just knowing that I'm thinking of her and loving her and missing her. I bet she is. I wonder if she's still proud of me. I was so afraid of that. I was afraid that once she died and could see everything I did that she wouldn't be proud of me anymore. I wouldn't be the same sweet, little girl that she always loved. But I know now that she will always be proud of me and everything I do.
I wonder what death is like. I wonder what heaven is like. Is it the way it says in the bible? Or like in The Lovely Bones when we each have our own heavens and they intersect with each other. Or is it something totally different that we can't even imagine. And when will I get there. If this isn't my only lifetime, how many is it going to take me to become the perfect soul and make it to the next dimension to be with my grandma. I know she's there. I [u]know[/u] she's in heaven. She was a perfect soul. She had nothing left to learn. She was beautiful.
I wonder what will flash before my eyes before I die. My nieces, my family, my grandma--no doubt. If I have kids I'm sure I'll think of them. And my mommy :) There's so much beauty in the world that I feel my heart is going to cave in...or fill up like a balloon that's about to burst.
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| we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up |
| 06.29.04 (3:55 pm) [edit] |
today ended up being a pretty good day. i went to get a snocone with liz and we went to the mall and saw pretty boy again. yum. then we went to killian's house...he was being a bit of an ass so we left. she brought me home cuz she had to go to work and i went out to eat with mis padres. i was craving mexican food so we went to el chico :) talked to justin on the phone for a while. he's coming in town this weekend. i'm so excited! i love my brother! :)
no i'm just sitting here talking to the beautiful benjamin (hello ben, i love you!) and the very incredible lauren :wink: hehe. supposed to hang out with caitlin at some point...dunno when though.
the other night, caitlin asked me to tell her about something that i thought was beautiful. i said the moon on nights when its full and huge. we got into a little convo about beauty and purity and it's been on my mind. so tell me, what do YOU think is beautiful. comment and tell me. i'd love to know. :)
well kids, i'm off. have a beautiful night
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| and if i die today... :? |
| 06.29.04 (10:02 am) [edit] |
matt woke me up at 7 this morning. we called me and wanted to know if i wanted to go to breakfast. silly mateo. i just kept sleeping...:)
caitlin and monica are both leaving this week. they'll be gone for a week. :( makes me sad. i will miss them.
so i'm slipping back into that whole questioning people's love for me and questioning who my real friends are thing again. i don't know why i do this to myself. i realize that i'm doing it, but i can't really keep myself from thinking the things i'm thinking. it gets frustrating. i wish that i could just accept the fact that i'm loved and not have to need reassurance. sigh...sucks being stupid. i'm sure i'll get over it soon enough. i always do. then it comes back and then i get over it again. it just happens. welcome to the life of amy.
i'm also doing the whole being mad at people i'm not really mad at thing. don't know if that makes sense. sometimes i just get annoyed at tiny little things and in my mind it turns into anger. when i talk to them i'm totally fine and i love them, but when i think about them i get angry. what the hell? yeah see, even I don't understand myself. :?
i'm out for now...enough thinking about my screwed up little brain.
i'm gonna go get a snocone with liz.
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| ben and jerry are my friends! :) |
| 06.28.04 (9:19 pm) [edit] |
I'm at Liz's house...again. :) We went and saw shrek 2. very very funny movie. go see it. ready go!
anyway...now we're here and we're eating ben and jerry's. imagine that. we always do that...woot a loot.
poor liz didn't get to go to warped tour. someone was an ass and wouldnt let her...so she had to stay in town today. sucks for her...but we ended up meeting the hottest guy ever, seeing a great movie, eating snow cones, and of course spending good quality time together.
yeah anyway...i'm sure i'll leave a more meaningful post later on. i'm not in the deep thinking mode right now. i'll be sentimental and such tomorrow. i posted like 50 times today...i should stop that. anyway, have a good one, kids.
i love you! :?:
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| i love lizzymart!! |
| 06.28.04 (5:19 pm) [edit] |
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hey kids! i'm at lizzymart's house. we spent the day together. after work i picked her up and we went to petco, HEB, my house to eat, the mall, shivers, and we're going to a movie pretty soon. she helped me with my blog and now i have music! enjoy the queen music while its here...i'm sure i'll go music happy and change it pretty soon. i'm really excited. i'll continue to figure out how to use this thing and make it prettier. it's pretty self explanatory. yay for sites that make it easy for kids who dont know html! i love tblog! thats all for now...we're gonna go see shrek 2 pretty soon. have a great night, kids! :D
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| learning...woot a loot |
| 06.28.04 (11:43 am) [edit] |
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i'm figuring out how to do all of this stuff...soon i will have music and pics. i'm sure lizzymart will help me bc i am very much not computer smart. this is exciting though...it's giving me something to do at work. hehe
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| And today I start over...again |
| 06.28.04 (11:15 am) [edit] |
I decided that I wanted a new journal. I've already done blogger, and I was sick of livejournal. So here I am at tBlog. hope you kids enjoy it. i like this better because I understand how to use it better...it's pretty :)
anyway...i'll be posting more later. you know me, i post all the damn time. :)
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